Dating after a divorce with a child
flows forth from the superabundance of merits of Christ (alone), rests on His mediation (to the Father), depends entirely on it, and draws all its power from it. Marriage sometimes becomes a person’s entire identity or their security.
(Lumen Gentium) CCC 970 People are made to bond with each other at various appropriate levels. People cry when their parents die, their best friend moves away, or their co-worker is transferred. Marriage is meant to be the highest level of union between people, uniting husband and wife into “one flesh”. It’s two unique individuals who form an intimate, deeply personal communion that mirrors the loving union of the Persons in the Trinity: they remain separate, but in a sense they also ‘disappear’ into each other at the same time. They merge, meld, and give themselves totally to one another. From that union should come great security, love, peace, and joy. When it’s lost, panic arises, and a person may often fight or flounder to grab hold of a quick substitute. CCC 1607 You may look at others who seem to heal more quickly, or even your ex-spouse who seems to have moved on. Each person is unique and unrepeatable; the way each experiences divorce will be just as unique.
Thank God for this, because it should move you to change direction away from self and back to Love. Airline stewards always tell you that, in the event of an emergency, you must put the oxygen mask on yourself first, Why? After divorce we want to help you learn to let go of many things, slow down, take rest, get help, pray more, talk things out, solve problems, find solutions, create a new life, and learn to forgive. Skip a meal, forgo a new purchase, go without your favorite TV show and offer it up (united with Christ’s perfect sacrifice). Bible: This doesn't mean accepting unfairness; it means not letting it control you. Don’t blame; instead get smart, try to look past the surface to the real problem, and find a workable solution. And maybe ask God to help you grow up a little (or a lot). Prov Catechism: Interior repentance is a radical reorientation of our whole life, a return, a conversion to God with all our heart, an end of sin, a turning away from evil, with repugnance toward the evil actions we have committed . CCC 1431 Oh, how we all struggle with “needs” versus “wants”! Anticipate all your annual expenses, including birthdays, holidays, school, vacations, new tires, doctor and dentist visits, etc. Scripture tells us it would be wise to try to settle your issues before you get into the courtroom. Court battles can make you feel like you got sent straight to jail for having a failed marriage.
It is a maturity that takes responsibility for one's sins. These are invaluable life-lessons that you can pass along to your children . Bible: Read the story of Eli, a godly man, who was a loving but weak parent who failed to teach his sons respect for their father or for the Lord. Despite your feelings, try to see the other person as God does, and act in a way that is kind, generous, and mature. Still waiting for that child support check to come? Most people never learned to live on a budget, even within their marriage. “Prison” can be losing parental rights or getting stuck with paying crippling legal fees, or both.
Blow the dust off your bible and spend a few minutes reading the Psalms; you’ll relate to the deep heart cries and discover the calming, reassuring promises of God to take care of you. Perhaps you may never have thought about going to sit before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. Avoid advice from those who tell you to get over it, to move on, or to take your ex for all he or she is worth in court.
CCC 1435 Feelings of guilt can be like warning gauges on the car: they signal that something is wrong and we SHOULD pay attention to them. • Encourage the child to use his reason, not just his emotions. • Request an apology from them if they owe it to you or others in the family. • Never tolerant abusive attitudes, language, or behavior. Bible: Proverbs -24 Catechism: Parents must regard their children as children of God and respect them as human persons. • A naïve hope that time alone will make things better • Knowing what to do but being too proud, scared, cheap, or undisciplined to do it • Blaming, being unwilling or not knowing how to forgive • A doubt that God will bring justice in His own time • An emotional attachment (a “payoff”) to being a victim of divorce • Staying stuck in the role of protector of one of the parents These ways of thinking/acting need to be surrendered—along with one’s entire life—to a loving Lord.
And then something else happens: not only are you facing the reality of a failed marriage, but you are being forced to face the MUCH BIGGER reality of life itself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for.
CCC 27 Doctors used to give a sucker to the child who sat still for her shots; even adults need a little “sugar” to help them get through the pain of divorce. Bible: If we are the Body of Christ, that means the people in your local church should be His arms, His legs, and His smile for you.
Money, kids, housing and other practical issues need attention especially during separation.
Stop all unnecessary activity and spending for a few months or longer. Whatever you have to do to stabilize the home, do it on a temporary basis.
Quiet time with Him, crying, unloading, problem solving or even better . More often than not, divorce reveals deep heart wounds that you may have carried from your childhood into the marriage.